Feeling Deflated for Christmas

I can't believe it's Christmas already. I've commented to several people that there is no festivity in our house. I've been thinking that it's due to not putting up our big tree (trying to protect it from Lucy), but now I'm thinking that maybe that's not the total story.

Breastfeeding is done

Yesterday Lucy nursed for the very last time. I know it hasn't fully hit me yet, so I know that there will be tears in the future about this, I'm sure. I just can't believe we're done.

1st Grade Trial Week

The first week of November, Gus attended first grade for his trial week. By Wednesday, Jon and I knew what our decision would be.

Gus' Costume is Done!!

I finished Gus' costume almost one hour ago, and I am so happy.

1st Grade

This year, Oscar and Bella would have started 1st grade. On November 2, Gus will do a trial run of 1st grade for four days. I'm an emotional mess.

We almost have a tail!

Way back in April or May I offered to sew Gus' Halloween costume, or we could go with a store-bought costume. He chose to have me sew him one, and he chose a black dragon with red spines. I found a pattern, bought it and then sat with it, not starting the project until September. Now, it's 9 days from when it needs to be done and I'm so far behind. I've already come to terms that I'm not going to do the mittens or feet, and probably not the hood. All I want to do is get the jumpsuit done, and hope that he's happy with it. Well, last night I almost finished step #2: the tail. Step one was putting the zipper in the front of the costume. Step 2 is the tail. Still have a lot to do, but hope that I can get it done for him. I think I'm going to have a lot of late nights trying to finish this costume, but it's my own fault. *sigh*

Tights

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Tonight at 7pm, Jon and I will light candles in memory of Oscar, Bella, Tittle and Firefly. Today Lucy wore tights for the first time.

Lucy is One!

Today was Lucy's birthday. I only cried a few times, but would have balled way more had we not also had her party today.

1 month

How is it that it's been one month since I've been back here, to this this place that gave me an outlet to process what what going on in my head?

Maybe it's because I'm focused more on what's in front of me, what surrounds me every day, and when I sit down during a break, I don't want to process. I want to relax. I'm not saying that there isn't stuff to process, but during the breaks that I have that's what I want, a real break.

I do have to admit that I miss this space, but this last year with having two living children at home, it's been nice to not process for a bit. I think that's where I've been. Just trying to LIVE my life, instead of processing what's going on in my life. I'm sure I'll get back to processing, especially as Lucy turns one in just about a week, but I'll save that for another day.

Lucy's Walking and Gus is in Kindergarten

You read that title right. Lucy is walking, and Gus has started kindergarten.

Sexism in the Loss Community

I just need to vent a little bit. Not looking for support or comments, just needing to vent about the rampant sexism that occurs within the loss community.

Six years

Six years ago I met my first two children. I will not say I became a mom on that day, for I became a mom the day in April that I saw two pink lines on a home pregnancy test. I will say that six years ago today, on a Thursday afternoon, I became a mom who met her sweet son and daughter far too early and quickly had to say good-bye.

Approaching Oscar's and Bella's Birthday

Last week a friend announced a pregnancy, and I was crushed.

If Firefly Had Lived

I've never really had the bittersweet and conflicting thoughts of knowing that if Oscar and Bella had lived that Tittle and Gus would never have been conceived and Gus wouldn't be here. That wasn't my reality. My reality is that Oscar, Bella and Tittle DID die. My reality is that Gus did live. Within the last couple of weeks, those thoughts have surfaced regarding Firefly. I wasn't prepared for them.

Ramblings

Warning: Random typing ahead, who knows what will come out!

She has a tooth :(

Yes, you read that title correctly, I am sad that Lucy has her first tooth.

Toenail Removal

This morning I had my toenail removed, and it is not an experience I hope to repeat...ever.

Not looking forward to March

I know it's already March 1, so it may be incorrect to say I'm not looking forward to March, but that's what I'm going with.

Counselor Consultation

My original appointment with a counselor was for February 4, but that morning I got a call stating the counselor I would be seeing was home ill. My appointment took place yesterday.

Meeting with Principal and Teachers

On Wednesday, we met with Gus' principal and teachers to discuss Gus getting pushed.

4-year-old bullying

For the past several months, Gus has shared stories of things that have happened at school that have involved kids "fighting" and "pushing" him. I didn't really pay attention to the frequency of these incidents nor the names of the children involved. Last week that changed.

Tittle's Day 2015

5 years ago this today Jon and I learned that our 3rd child, Tittle died.

PPD?

A couple weeks ago, Jon told me that he wanted me to find a new counselor as he thought I had postpartum depression and/or depression that was still unresolved from when Oscar and Bella died.