Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Capture Your Grief Day 16: Seasons

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

Share what certain seasons or holidays mean to you now. What season did your baby die in? What season were they conceived/born in? Do you dread those seasons now? Are they more meaningful to you because of your baby?

Holidays and seasons are different to me now. They're a more reflective time, that a celebratory time. Because of our infertility treatments I still know those dates: conception dates, u/s dates, loss dates, unfulfilled pregnancy milestone dates, unfulfilled due dates.

Oscar and Bella were conceived in April, with their first u/s in May, their births/deaths in July, their 36-week goal in December and their true due date in January.

Tittle was conceived in December, his first u/s in January, his death in January and his true due date in August, the same as his twin brother.

Firefly was conceived this past May, with an unfulfilled first u/s in June, anatomy scan in September, viability in October, full-term in January and a true due date in February.

So, it doesn't really matter what season it is or what holiday is approaching as it's always a season or a holiday without my kids by my side.


  1. I hadn't realized we were on such similar timelines with our first losses (only two years apart)...S's due date was in Jan, 2011.

    That image you've chosen really says it all, doesn't it? Now that I'm pregnant again, I feel like the missing has become more acute again. Did you find that?

    Sending you hugs and remembering all your precious babes with you.

    1. Thank you, Sadie.

      My situation, I think, was a little different in that we felt we were getting signs from Oscar and Bella to try again. We conceived Gus and Tittle the day after Oscar's and Bella's 36-week goal, so, when we knew that we were pregnant and their due date passed (January 1, 2010) I actually felt a bit of a release that my two pregnancies were not overlapping anymore. I will say that when the gestational point came where I was more pregnant than I had been with Oscar and Bella, that did increase my missing. Up until the point (17w6d) that they were born, I could compare the pregnancies. Once I got to 18w, there was no more comparison, which just amplified how much I didn't get to do with them.