Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Capture Your Grief Day 2: Identity

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

If I answer all of those questions for all four losses, this blog post would be so long. Most of this information is already contained within this blog on this page and this page, so I'll just touch on each child and see where my heart takes me.

Oscar: A classic name. Not crazy, but not used very often. I think Oscar would be old beyond his years. He would be a rule-follower. He would be quiet and reserved. Jon and I joke about how when we conceived Tittle and Gus that Oscar was standing with a clipboard trying to ask each potential brother or sister a list of questions to see if they would fit well in our family. He would look good in plaid pants and a cardigan sweater. He would love to read and take walks outside. He would be the protector of all, including trying to protect Jon and me.

Bella: This isn't really a classic name, but at the time that Jon and I decided on this (before we were even pregnant or working with an RE) it was a name that we hadn't heard a lot of. Little did we know what was on the horizon with Twilight. We have two Isabella's in our neighborhood; both girls go by Bella. It is very hard to hear their names being called across the sky when I will never call out for Bella knowing that I should be hearing her call back. I think Bella would be a trouble-maker, funny and a real diva. She would also want to be a helper, when it suited her. She would always try to get Oscar to be more carefree, when she wasn't poking fun at him. She would be a typical girl that would wear lots of pinks and purples, would not want to get dirty and would try to look very innocent when she was really VERY  guilty.

Tittle: Oh, Tittle. My sneaky little one. You weren't even supposed to be conceived, but you snuck yourself right into our family. On your anniversary, we ask people to do sneaky things in your honor. Because of you, we can delight in being childish. Were you able to be born and be alive in our family, I think you and Bella would definitely team up a lot. You would encourage each other with jokes and pranks to be played on us all. But, you wouldn't always be a troublesome sneak, you would find ways to sneak your love to all of us, too. A random kiss here, a sweet picture there. You would keep all of us young at heart.

Firefly: You were with us, but barely, and for such a short time, so it's hard to know who you would be if you were still with us. As of now, I should be around 21 weeks pregnant with you. I would have had the anatomy scan to know whether or not you were healthy and growing as you should be. I would know if you are a girl or a boy. I would have learned about your personality already when I felt your movements and responded to the cravings that I would have had with you. I barely got used to the idea of you before you were gone. It's so hard to know what you are and who you'd be.


  1. This is beautiful. I'm so very, very sorry you've had to endure so much loss. I also wanted to thank you for the support you've shown me over the last couple of months. I appreciate it more than you know. ♥

    1. Thank you, Patty...and you're welcome. Big hugs to you.