Friday, October 18, 2013

Capture Your Grief Day 18: Release

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

What do you want to let go of on this jouney of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?

I honestly don't know what I want to let go of on this journey. Fear? I think I've learned to manage that pretty well as it relates to Gus, and I think the fear I have makes me appreciate the time I do have with Gus more. Guilt? I think when one becomes a mother one just learns to live with guilt. I think I've worked through quite a bit of my guilt with my counselor, and I don't think that I really have much more guilt to give up. Worry? I've always been a worrier, even before I was even pregnant, so to give up worrying would be to completely change who I am. Deep sadness? While I do get deeply sad sometimes, I think it's just an emotion that will hit me without notice, and like fear, is something I'm going to have to manage, and will make me appreciate those I have around me more than if I didn't have it. Regrets? Probably, but is that the right word? Possibly. I am grateful and thankful to know that both Oscar and Bella each lived for 10 minutes, and that they have birth and death certificates. I'm not sure if we would have held them immediately after birth if we would know that they lived outside of me. On the other hand, I hate that I never got to see or hold them while they were living. I guess what I really want to let go of is feeling like I abandoned them. I wish I could have held them, so that they could hear me and Jon speak to them while they were still alive after they were born. I wish I could have held them so that I could say that they were surrounded by my love for their entire lives...but I can't. For their 10 minutes of life after they were born, they were not with me, I was not talking to them, and I was not holding them as they died. They never felt my hands touch them, they never felt supported by my arms, they never felt the kiss of my lips, they never heard my heartbeat as they rested against my chest. These are all things that I could have done, but didn't, because we made the best choice we could with the information we had at the time: that they would not live through delivery. Had I known they would live through delivery I would have made a different choice. I would have seen them alive. I would have held them. I would have kissed them. I would have talked to them. I would have laid them on my chest so they could hear my heartbeat while they died. So, I guess that is what I want to release, that I feel like I abandoned Oscar and Bella.

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