Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Capture Your Grief Day 9: Music

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?

There are four songs that, when I hear them, I immediately think of my kids.

The first I listened to a lot. These lines, in tandem really make me think of Oscar and Bella. The first is at the beginning of the song, while the second is at the end of the song.

"Baby there's something on my mind tonight
There's a reason to believe we almost got it right"

"Baby there's something on my mind tonight
There's a reason to believe that we got it right"

I remember the feelings of thinking that we had failed because our children had died, but then upon hearing how the line changed thinking of how our children are still our children. We created two beautiful and perfect children that just happened to be born too early.

This song also gave me hope as we ventured back to the fertility clinic to try to get pregnant again. It really felt like the song was chosen by Oscar and Bella to give me the strength.

 "There is certainly uncertainty in all our eyes
But as long as you are here I'll be all right"

"If there's a doubt...we'll be strong
As we go on singing
One more for love my love
One more for love..."

I'm not sure how I came across the second song, but the unofficial video that I found for it really strengthened the connection of this song to my kids. Not only do the lyrics speak to me as it relates to my kids, but after Oscar and Bella died, I became very fearful that Jon would die, too. So, in this video, I couldn't help but think that I Oscar and Bella were the bunnies, but so where Jon and me.

"If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark"

That section of the song always makes me cry, as I think of Oscar and Bella being held, as they died, by a nurse and not by me or Jon. Did they feel alone? Did they feel that I abandoned them? Were they scared?

The third song, I think, Jon introduced to me. There really is no need for me to reiterate which specific lyrics of this song spoke the me. ALL of them spoke to me. The sound of the song spoke to me. The hearts in the video make me think of Tittle and, at the end of the video, you can briefly glimpse one pink and one blue butterfly flit across the screen, a reminder of Oscar and Bella.

The fourth song is a song that much more recently makes me think of my kids. And when I say recent, I mean within the last 3 months. I was driving. I began listening to the song in the middle while it played on the radio and I just started crying. Not the tears falling silent crying, but the on the verge of sobbing of the I-need-to-stop-or-I-can't-drive kind. I've never seen the official video, so have no idea of what kind of imagery is in it, but the words just felt as if my kids were sending this message to me straight from Heaven:

"Safe and sound
We're safe and sound
Safe and sound
We're safe and sound
Hold your ground
We're safe and sound
Safe and sound

I could show you love
In a tidal wave of mystery
You'll still be standing next to me

You could be my luck
Even if we're six feet underground
I know that we'll be safe and sound"

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