To be honest, I don't really know where I am right now. There are times when I've VERY emotional and times when everything is wonderful.
Jon and I continue to be on break waiting for the urology appointment. It truly is my hope that by the time we see Dr. W all of the "bad" sperm has left Jon's body and we'll be ready to start treatments again. Plus, when I thought about how the appointment is only two days prior to Thanksgiving, it means Jon probably won't be able to provide his samples until the first week of December, then we need to get the results back, and then probably meet with Dr. W again to go over the results, and by that time it will be Christmas. So, we realistically aren't going to be able to do any treatments until 2014. And that's only if Jon's numbers are back to where they used to be. If they're not, then who knows what treatment options there are for Jon, if we can afford them, if he's willing do to them, and how long he'll need to do them before we can go back to the RE.
After the first birth three weeks ago, there were four that followed before the end of September. That week-and-a-half was VERY difficult, and it still continues to be as these families (all who have had a loss) are celebrating their first or second rainbows. I'm happy for them. I really am, but I'm sad and jealous for me. It just seems that I'm stuck. I want to do treatments, but I cant. I know, logically, that I can't, but it's hard for my heart when I see these friends moving FORWARD with their rainbows.
My birthday is this weekend, and I'm feeling....strange. I'm having similar feelings to those I had in 2009. In 2009 I was supposed to be pregnant, but was in a place and point in life when we couldn't do treatments. Now, it's 2013. I'm supposed to be pregnant, and we are not at a point where we can do treatments. *sigh* Does this mean that our next cycle will turn into another rainbow? I really, really, really, really, really, really hope so.
Last Thursday, Jon and I were able to join Gus on his first field trip! I'm so glad I was able to go. His preschool went to the pumpkin patch. This was Gus' first time on a school bus!!! Sometimes I can't believe that he's old enough to ride on a school bus. He did such a good job of listening to the teachers and staying on his butt during the ride (unlike some of the 4-year-olds who kept standing up). We made sure to give him a window seat so he could look out the windows, and he got so excited when we saw a flock of geese flying parallel to the bus. Once we arrived at the pumpkin patch, we rode on the tractor-pulled wagon to the patch and we each got to choose a pumpkin to bring home. After pumpkin picking, we took the wagon back and got to walk around the petting farm. Gus really liked to feed the big catfish.
This week's theme at preschool is family. Yesterday was the due date for the Family Quilt Square. Sent home one day was an 8"x8" piece of cardstock with the directions that we were to assist our child in gluing on a family picture and then decorating the rest of the square with things representative of our family. Well, as you can imagine, we can't really have a traditional family photo, can we? And, this is really the first time that the concept of family would be talked about in any organized fashion at daycare/school. So, to know that this whole week would be focused on family OUTSIDE of our house, was emotional for me. What would Gus say about his quilt square. Would he tell his whole class proudly that he has two brothers and one sister? Would he call them by name?
It turns out that he did. Jon spoke with one of Gus' teachers this afternoon, after explaining that we're a little extra sensitive to the topic of family with what our family looks like. We know how we talk about our family between the three of us, but have no idea what Gus says about his family when we're not there. Jon was told that Gus was the first person to present his square to the class, and that it went really well. He went through each sticker on his square and said which animal we all were. When asked who was in the family picture (a picture we took at a remembrance walk last weekend), he went through everybody.
I'm so thankful. I'm so thankful that we speak openly about Gus' siblings so that he isn't scared or embarrassed or unknowing of his family. I'm so thankful that kids are sponges, so that he is comfortable talking about Oscar, Bella and Tittle, because we talk about them often at home. I'm so thankful that this first experience of talking about his family was a positive one...for all of us.
Yes, I'm emotional. Yes, I'm crying. Gus should be able to have a family picture with actual people in the picture, not three signs stuck in the ground representing his siblings. And at the same time, I'm thankful that we are given the opportunity to have Gus talk about his family like every other kid, even though his family is a little different.
|The sunrise this morning. I needed this.|