Getting ready for Christmas

Christmas is always a hard time of year. Dealing with family you may not want to deal with, missing those that should be here and trying to make good memories with those who are is sometimes too much to handle, and causes emotional rollercoasters.

Firefly

Jon is on board fully recognizing Firefly, but he wants a better name than Firefly. He shared that there are names and there are animals. The animal is firefly, but that's not the name. I don't know how we're going to come up with a name, but we'll work on that, and when it feels right, we'll know. Until then, we will continue to use Firefly.

Pregnancy Test Dream

In hindsight, I know why I had the dream I did last night, but it didn't make the face of reality any easier to take.

Why did I do that?

The person who has been the Secret Santa at work for the last few years is retiring, so I volunteered. Why?

Feeling Sad for Someone Else

There's a lot going on inside of me. Too much to tackle in just one post, but my heart is heavy today. The teacher at Gus' preschool that was pregnant after secondary infertility and IVF told me this morning she is no longer pregnant and found out on Friday.

Thanksgiving Weekend Recap, plus more

As the title indicates, life is pretty busy and I can't believe how quickly time is going by. It feels like I'll never get everything done!

More waiting

We had Jon's urology appointment yesterday morning. Everything is still settling in my brain, so I don't think this post is going to be very eloquent.

My brain is full

My emotions have calmed down, for now. It may have to do with the fact that I feel overwhelmed.

Scared

I can feel it, the fear, creeping in and taking up home within me.

Emotionally Heavy

Jon's been gone this week to Colorado for a business trip. I never look forward to weeks when he's gone, because it usually means that by Wednesday Gus is having major episodes of grumpiness. Thankfully, for me, that did not happen this week!

"I have a sister named Bella."

Several weeks ago, shortly after Family Week at preschool, Jon was outside with Gus over in a neighbor's yard.

Neighbor Kid (6 years old): "Do you like Bella's (a different neighbor kid) dogs?"

Jon: "No, not really."

Gus: "I have a sister named Bella."

Neighbor Kid: "A pretend sister?"

Jon: "No, not a pretend sister. His sister is real. Before Gus was born we had twins that were born too soon and they died. They're in Heaven."

Gus: "Bella is in Heaven."

I'm so grateful that Jon was present during this conversation. If I was there, I would have balled my eyes out, as I did when Jon shared this with me. I love that Gus is bringing up his brothers and sister in general conversation, I just wish it didn't hurt so much that they can't be here with him.

A little while after that conversation, on a Thursday, I met Jon and Gus at Gus' sports class. After class was done I went to our bereaved parent support group while Jon took Gus home for bedtime. While I was at group, Jon sent me the following text message:

"Gus and I went outside to see the dark. Gus sees the stars and says 'I want to play with them. Maybe they are Oscar, Bella and Tittle.'"

Again, I'm so grateful that Gus feels comfortable speaking of his siblings, but if I was the one with Gus, and not Jon, I would have started balling.

Getting back to blogging

I don't even know where to start blogging again. I'm glad that I participated in the Capture Your Grief project, but it didn't leave much time for me to write about what's been going outside of that.

Capture Your Grief Day 31: Sunset

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

To close this project and this month of Baby Loss Awareness I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window.

31st Anniversary

That's right. Today is my anniversary. 31 years ago today my parents' lives were thrown for a loop. I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.

Capture Your Grief Day 28: Special Place

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

This could be your baby’s place of rest. If they do not have a grave, maybe you have a special place that you associate with your baby. A place you go to, to remember them. Where is it? Why did you choose that particular place?

Capture Your Grief Day 27: Signs

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

If you believe in life after death do you believe your child has ways of contacting you? Have you had any signs?

Capture Your Grief Day 25: #SayItOutLoud

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief. 

Say It Out Loud is The STILL Project’s famous hashtag. STILL is a feature-length documentary film project aimed at breaking the cycle of silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. If you could say anything out loud about your journey with grief with the death or your baby, what would it be? What do you want the world to know? Is there a cause that touches your heart that you want to raise awareness for?

Capture Your Grief Day 23: Tattoos/Jewellery

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby? Or maybe a tattoo.

Capture Your Grief Day 21: Honour

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

Is there anything that you have done to honour your baby since they died? Did you give back to the community? Make a conscious decision to live as beautifully as possible? Take on the role of helping others in your situation? Maybe you work as an advocate for breaking the silence for our community.

Capture Your Grief Day 20: Hope

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

Do you have hope for the future? What do you hope for those who will join this club in the future?

Post-Birthday Recap

Well, it's official; I'm another year older, plus a week.

Capture Your Grief Day 18: Release

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

What do you want to let go of on this jouney of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?

Capture Your Grief Day 17: Time

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

How long has it been since your baby died?

Capture Your Grief Day 16: Seasons

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

Share what certain seasons or holidays mean to you now. What season did your baby die in? What season were they conceived/born in? Do you dread those seasons now? Are they more meaningful to you because of your baby?

Capture Your Grief Day 15: Wave Of Light

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world.

Capture Your Grief Day 14: Family

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

What does your family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child's heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet?

Capture Your Grief Day 12: Article

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

 Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone?

Where I Am

I've been focusing so much on getting my posts done for Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief that I've left no time to blog for me.

Capture Your Grief Day 11: Emotional Triggers

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?

Capture Your Grief Day 10: Beliefs

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die?

Capture Your Grief Day 9: Music

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?

Capture Your Grief Day 8: Colour

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

What colour/s do you represent your baby? Why that colour/s?

Capture Your Grief Day 7: You Now

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

Capture Your Grief Day 6: Ritual

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

Do you have any rituals to help you get through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra, etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

Capture Your Grief Day 5: Memory

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

Capture Your Grief Day 4: Legacy

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief. 

Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.

Capture Your Grief Day 3: Myths

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

Do you believe there are any myths about grief?

Capture Your Grief Day 2: Identity

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Today begins National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. While I'm glad that there is a month devoted to our "cause", it's something we live with year-round, not just in October.

Capture Your Grief Day 1: Sunrise

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

Just like last year, I thought it would be very meaningful for us all to capture the beginning of this journey and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world.

Quilt Square (100th Post)

As I spoke about here, I've been working on a quilt square. I finished it at 2pm last Thursday; group started at 7:30pm.

It's a girl

One of the friends that was induced yesterday delivered her second rainbow...a girl.

Oh, how my heart aches for my Bella. How my heart is angry that my friend was able to easily get pregnant (this pregnancy was an oops) and deliver a healthy second rainbow. She has a boy at home and now a girl. That is supposed to be me, my life. That was taken from me when Oscar and Bella died. And now we don't even know if we'll get to bring home a second rainbow, much less a girl.

My heart is heavy and sad.

A very trying week

Jon is traveling this week, which makes things hard, but this week is turning out to be exceptionally difficult.

Infuriating: Custody in divorce determined by genetics?

This story infuriates me.

A Beautiful Sky

I started a post earlier today, that was going to be about how much I was missing Oscar and Bella, but apparently, there was a reason why I didn't get to finish and publish it. I needed to wait for the beautiful sky.

Floating...at least trying

Jon, Gus and I had a very good time at the cottage. Well, Gus had a great time, we had fun being with him having such a great time, but we slept horribly. So, for a three-day weekend, I think that's a good trade-off.

In contrast: Update on Gus

In contrast to my earlier post, I just had to share all the positive things going on with Gus.

Feels like I'm living in a nightmare

I'm still really struggling with not being pregnant and being on a TTC break. This weekend was especially difficult.

Sad today

On Friday Jon and I met with our primary doctor, so that some of Jon's tests to figure out what's going on with his sperm would be covered by insurance. Not surprisingly, she's not really well-versed in this, so she ordered the tests that RE mentioned and gave us a referral to a urologist. We're hoping to get Jon's test results back today, but the urology office scheduled Jon's appointment for November 26.

A week that's run the emotional spectrum

Friday I had the day off work to spend prepping for Gus' third birthday party. We know how that day started.

Hope is a bitch

Just when I had begun to feel hopeful that maybe Jon was right, that maybe this cycle we got pregnant, I've had some spotting.

Tick-Tock

It seems like time is moving so slowly, even with all that is about to happen the next four days. Part of me wants the time to just fly by, but the other part of me wants it to slow down.

2ww update

I had an appointment with my counselor on Friday. Since then I've been calmer than I had been, but I'm still nervous.

I need to calm down

I'm have serious, for me, anxiety issues. It's only 2dpo and I can't stop being anxious for the result of this cycle.

The Wait Begins

I know that I will get through this wait, but I don't know how I'm going to make it with my sanity intact.

Picture Post: Oscar's and Bella's 4th Birthday

Jon and I spent Oscar's and Bella's birthday doing things to remember them.

CD22 and still not triggering

I'm working on a picture post from Oscar's and Bella's birthday, but I never seem to remember to grab the camera and get the pictures when I'm at home. So, hopefully I'll be doing THAT post this weekend. So, here is our latest fertility treatment update.

Happy Birthday

Four years:

Where did they go?

Four years:

Seems like yesterday.

Four years:

What would you be like?

Four years:

What would you look like?

Four years:

Starting school this fall.

Four years:

I miss you every day.

Four years:

I love you still.

Four years:

How I wish you were here.

Four years:

How I wish I could feel your arms around me.

Four years:

How I wish we could do things together, instead of me doing things in your honor.

Four years:

I see you in the sunrises and sunsets.

Four years:

Your little brother sees you in them, too.

Four years:

How I love to hear your names.

Four years:

I love you, always.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Oscar and Bella. I love you so much, to the stars and back.

A Very Busy Weekend

A lot has happened since my last post.

My estrogen has dropped

What?!? How did that happen? Even with it dropping, my lining has increased.

Ugh!

Yesterday morning, 10 minutes after I sat down at my desk for work, Jon called.

"What day is our next (fertility) appointment?"

"Wednesday."

"I need to get on a plane today and I'll be back on Wednesday night."

Convergence

It just seems that my past, present and future are all converging on me.

CD5: Still feeling lost

We had our CD3 appointment on Monday. I have no cysts, my E2 came back at 74.8, and we started Follistim that night. I still feel lost.

CD1 and lost

It's official. I tested this morning and it was a Big Fat Negative, so I have a CD3 appt scheduled for 8am on Monday.

All hope is gone

I've resigned. I have no more hope for this cycle.

Feeling Very Negative, but Hope Still Hangs On (A lot of TMI)

So, after the spotting yesterday, I had nothing more when going to the bathroom or anything. Then, still nothing this morning the first time I went to the bathroom (immediately after waking).

And here we go again

I've been doing reasonable well this cycle, at least better than last cycle when I was obsessively taking pictures of HPTs and then making the pics negative. The trip to the cottage really helped take my mind off the TWW, but now this has started.

Guest Blog and Other Ramblings

My guest blog post is up at No Good Eggs!!!

In other ramblings, I'm really hoping that this paragraph, from this article, explains why my blood sugars are going completely crazy.

Holiday Away

We just got back today from a weekend away for Independence Day, and it couldn't have been better timing.

The TWW begins

Well, the IUI's are done and the two week wait has officially begun.

A full weekend: June 21-23

So much crammed into last weekend, that this may be a long one. And is tells why I've been away from the blog for a bit.

My magic dose

I know I've been off the blog for a few days, but I'm okay with that. A lot has been going on that has been keeping me busy, which doesn't leave much time for me to write. I'm working on a separate post about what's been keeping me busy, but I wanted to write about what's been happening at the RE since my last RE post.

Alone

I'm feeling in a really bizarre place. I know that it has to do with Firefly and my unresponsiveness this cycle, but that doesn't make me feel any less bizarre.

Ultrasounds

Jon and I went in last Wednesday (June 12) for our CD3 u/s. RE told us that the only thing that could prevent us from being able to move forward with treatments this cycle would be a leftover cyst from our Firefly cycle.

Temporary, and Positive, Change in Focus

I was going to write a post about body issues, and that sometimes I really, really dislike how my body functions. I may still write that post, but last night, after dinner, my body issues didn't matter.

It's Official: Chemical Pregnancy

The beta hCG this morning wasn't really necessary, as I started spotting red last night and had some major cramping, but Jon and I still wanted the blood test this morning to make sure my hcg levels were coming down appropriately...and they are. My beta this morning was 3.7.

Pretty Sure it's Chemical

"A chemical pregnancy happens when a fertilized egg does not attach itself to the uterine wall. This is also known as a very early miscarriage. According to ACOG, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, chemical pregnancies account for 50-75% of all miscarriages. Unlike miscarriages, which typically occur before the 20^th week of gestation, chemical pregnancies occur just after implantation. In cases where the woman is not expecting to become pregnant, she may not realize she was since menstruation bleeding usually occurs around the same time. If she is expecting and takes a test, it could lead to false positive pregnancy test results." (Source)

Struggling and hoping

I'm really struggling since our news yesterday. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what to do.

Why will this rollercoaster not end?

I tested positive yesterday and today at home, so since today was 14dpo, I called the fertility clinic and scheduled my blood draw, which came back at 22.5 mIU/ml.

This was totally not what I was expecting the results to be. I know that 22.5 is within the normal range, but it is definitely too low for me. Around 100 would have been good for me. Are we experiencing a chemical pregnancy? Did I implant late and was the cramping I had on 7dpo not really implantation cramping? Am I a slow-starter for hcg and we just did the blood test early?

With Oscar and Bella, we had our blood test at 17dpo and with Gus and Tittle it was 16dpo, so I really don't have a true frame of reference for what my starting hcg levels are. So, we go back on Monday (18dpo) for another test. If I'm doubling every 2 days, I should be at 90, which is still really low for me to be comfortable. Because we know that anything can go wrong at any time, we have already shared our pregnancy with family and friends, but also to ask for support in the case that this little one joins Oscar, Bella and Tittle. If you pray, please pray for us, that this is just some early pregnancy drama that we will look back at, once we have this baby home, and say, "You've been a stinker your entire life!"

Feeling ????

As the title implies, I'm not really sure how I'm feeling, as it changes quite frequently throughout the day.

Jealousy

Today was supposed to be a day filled with activity to keep my mind off of my impending official HPT, but it turned out to be really not.

I'm done testing, I think

I tested this morning (8dpo) and the line was lighter than the day before, so I decided that I'm done testing.

The firsts and the lasts

I was texting Jon about the pregnancy test this morning, and he mentioned something about hoping that we are pregnant so that we can be done with infertility. If only it were that simple.

7dpo: And the rollercoaster continues

So, I've been testing every morning, first thing, to test out my trigger shot. Yesterday (6dpo), the line was questionable. Was it negative, was it barely positive or was it an evaporation line? I figured the best course of action was to test again today.

Hard Mornings

I very much dislike mornings like today. Gus had about 5 tantrums this morning, all between 6am and 7:20am...and I don't know why.

Diabetes Sucks

Today has been a crappy day for my diabetes.

3dpo

It's been three days since I was supposed to have ovulated after taking the trigger shot on Tuesday evening, and, so far, my stress has been manageable. I've taken 3 HPT's, and they've all been positive, as expected. I was surprised that even on Friday (1dpo) that the second line took a little time to appear. The test on Saturday was significantly lighter than Friday, but then today the line was just a little lighter than yesterday. I'm not certain, but I may stop testing every day once I know the the trigger has left my body. That way, I don't get too upset with all those negatives, as it's really the one on June 6 that matters. That way, I think, I can keep hope alive for a few days before the official test.

I think once I know the trigger leaves my body, that's when the real stress is going to be felt. I know in my head that I have no control over this. I know that whether or not I'm pregnant is already established, and that it's just a matter of time before it's detectable. This cycle may not have worked at all, with our IUI on Wednesday morning and then TI on Thursday evening, but I can't help but hope and try to be positive. While I'm hoping that this cycle works, I also hope that I'm not deluding myself and that I won't be crushed when I take "the real" test.

Fear

It hit me today, a realization about fear.

I know that during any subsequent pregnancy I will be fearful. I’ve been through one subsequent, lost a child during it, and then spent the remainder of the pregnancy fearing for the loss of the other child. I learned coping techniques from my counselor, and I made it through. But what hit me today was different.

The waiting begins...

...and hoping that different doesn't mean bad.

Here we go again

We had our u/s this morning and, thankfully, all was well. My lining was still good at 7.65. My lead follicle was 16.46, my second follicle was 14.34 and either my third follicle shrunk or the doc just decided to not measure.

What cycle day am I on?

In the land of infertility, at least for me, your cycle day really isn't your cycle day.

Hello, Follistim

We had our u/s this morning to see if I grew any follicles after using femara. Nothing. My lining was only 4.55 and there were no follicles greater than 10mm. So, tomorrow night we start follistim again.

After Mother's Day

It's been quite some time since I actually wrote a letter to Oscar, Bella and Tittle, but I feel compelled to write letters today, not just to them, but to all my kids and my wonderful husband.

To All Mothers

Much has already been said in the online community about Mother's Day, depending on what type of mother you are. I know that what I say on this blog will not reach many, but I'm putting it out into the world so that it can BE in the world.

To the mothers who have had no struggles--May your Mother's Day be filled with love, laughter and the joy of your life.

To the mothers who are dealing with primary infertility and are mothers in their hearts, but not yet in their bodies--May your Mother's Day be gentle as you navigate the day.

To the mothers with children at home, but are dealing with secondary infertility--May your children shower you with love.

To the mothers who did not get to bring children home--May your child find loving and gentle ways of saying, "I love you" today.

To the mothers who did get to bring children home, but had to give them back far too soon--May you find peace today as you remember the time you had, knowing it wasn't enough.

I need to write more often

I don’t even know where I am anymore. Jon was in Virginia last week, so I’m hoping that is part of why I feel so jumbled, disconnected from the online community and overwhelmed lately.

Horrible Dream

I had a horrible dream last night. I don't remember all of it, but there are certain images that are still in my head.

RE Appointment: The Updated Plan

We heard back from our fertility doctor. A plan has been decided.

RE Appointment: What do we do now?

My head exploded this morning. I grew an egg and ovulated all on my own.

32 Months

Dear Gus,

Today you are 32 months old. You are slowly approaching the big 3. We've already transitioned you from a crib to a big boy toddler bed, and Daddy and I are talking about giving you a new room with a big, big boy bed. You attended a birthday party last weekend, and beautifully rocked a kilt. You were so excited when I finished sewing it, that I have a video of you wearing it over your polar bear pajamas and doing big spins. Grandpa Steve came down for a weekend and it was so great to see the two of you bonding. So much so, that we've used "breakfast with Grandpa" as a piece of leverage to keep you on track with potty training.

Potty training is going okay, especially since we came up with a new strategy: sticker charts. Since we started a few weeks ago you've already earned a trip to the bouncy place. Now, you are working towards "camping stuff". If you don't change your mind before you fill up your chart, your heart right now is set on your "very own flashlight". I can just picture you turning it on and off, on and off, on and off, over and over and over.

Daddy and I need to reign in your TV watching. You frequently come home after school and ask to watch it, or ask to watch it before breakfast. Last night I was successful in redirecting you by asking if you wanted to read a book. You promptly picked up your Clifford dictionary. We almost got through letter G before Daddy started tickling you and we did that instead.

I love how Daddy wanted dancing to be part of your bedtime routine. You have the best dance moves, and I love it when you tell us to dance, including what dance moves we should do. You've also started singing a lot more. Daddy told me that yesterday on the drive home from school the two of you sang the entire time.

At the same time that I love that you are turning into a little boy, I hate that the time is going by so quickly. You are, ever so slowly, learning how to ride you strider bike. You love to play outside. You have begun loving to do things as a family. The other week Daddy asked if you wanted to go for a family walk. You leapt off the couch and yelled, "Family Walk!" as you ran to get your shoes. You don't do very well taking family walks, as you want to run the entire time. You think you are a really big boy because we sometimes let you pee standing up. You also think you are a really big boy because you try your hardest to not use the wall or the rail when going up the stairs.

Every day it seems that you have mastered something new and wonderful that turns you more and more into a little boy instead of the baby that I brought home. Regardless of how old you get, you will always be by sweetie Gus.


I love you,
Mama

What does a cure mean to you?

I emailed the man Jon met at the pool. It was a very brief email, because I wasn’t sure what type of information, connection, support he was looking for. He emailed me back a very long email that I’ve only read once. I will need to read it at least one more time before I actually respond.

Diabetics at the pool

Jon met someone at the pool last night. Jon recognized an insulin pod on this person's arm and they talked for a little bit. Apparently, he is in his early 30's and was diagnosed with Type 1.5 about 4 months ago. This man seemed interested to know that I was involved in Minimed's clinical trial and gave Jon his contact information to pass along to me.

What's in my head and heart

I, apparently, have a lot on my mind. I'm sure several of these could be their own posts, but a bullet-list is all I have right now.

Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy today. I think a large part of it is the weather (gray and rainy all week) and the lack of sleep (Gus has been falling asleep late, waking in the night and getting up early all week), but another part is that I'm sewing a kilt for Gus.

Failing at March of Dimes

I feel terrible that we've not raised more money for March of Dimes this year. Our first year walking (2011), we didn't really do any fundraising, we made a donation to some friends of ours and crashed the walk...we weren't even registered.

Last year, we got the whole family involved. We used Gus' fundraising page and were able to donate almost $400 to the March of Dimes.

This year, with the walk a month away, counting our $100 donation, we're raised $20. That's it. $20 to help save babies so that they can be born healthy and go home with their families. I know the walk is still a month away, but the economy is crappy and people don't have lots of extra money around to donate to every thing that comes their way. I know that any money donated will be greatly appreciated, but I guess I had higher hopes this year that Gus would be able to donate over $500.

Easter 2013

This Easter has been.....unusual. Jon and I hosted Easter this year, something we haven't done before. Usually my eldest sister, whom we live closest to, invites us to spend Easter with her family. This year, though, she and her family were just coming home from a spring break vacation, so we were on our own. My dad, though, asked if he could come down for the weekend. Despite Jon's travel schedule, we agreed. We don't get to visit my family very often, so to have my Dad come down to spend time with us, and Gus, really meant a lot.

Counting and Waiting

I'm a very number-oriented person. I majored in math in college and taught math for two years. It should as no surprise to anyone that I've counted.

Gone, again

Jon is gone, again. It feels like I have so much in my head and heart that I need to process, but haven't had the time to sit down with myself and get it out. It was great having Jon home this past week, unexpectedly, but it didn't really give me a chance to sit with myself. It really was just an, "I'm so glad you're home, but you're flying out on Sunday so we have to get all this stuff done before you leave."

Excited vs. Anxious

Last Friday I had an appointment with my counselor. This is the same counselor I met with back in 2009 as we were preparing for our selective reduction. I saw her once or twice before the reduction, once or twice after the reduction. I still remember leaving her office after my appointment. I had cried in her office about the reduction, the emotions I was having with making that choice and carrying it out. I left her office that day grateful that I was able to meet with her, but never expecting to see her again.

31 Months

Dear Gus,

Today you turned 31 months old. Each and every day you are becoming more and more of a little boy…and more and more of a 2-year-old. Yesterday you had a tantrum because I stepped down one stair and shut the door behind me on the way to the basement. But, you also asked, just the morning before, to be picked up just laid with me in bed while I scratched your back and we slowly woke up together. Today I registered you for a 3-on-3 summer soccer program. You’re a little young, as you’re supposed to be 3 by the first game; you’ll be a month shy. You still love Curious George, but you’ve recently really like Dinosaur Train and have learned the word “hypothesis”, though you do say it a little incorrectly. At times you can be completely defiant, but other times you can be the sweetest helper, like when you saw me walking towards the dishwasher with dishes in my hand and opened the dishwasher for me. No matter that the dishwasher was full and already running.

On Saturday you had your last swim class of this session. You make me, daddy and your teachers smile so big. You put on your float belt, demanded a float bar and were off. Eventually, Daddy convinced you to get rid of the bar and you were having an even grander time. You wanted to swim in the deep end. You wanted to show off to your teachers. You didn’t want to get out of the pool. You were so happy that you were able to swim all on your own. It truly was a show of how much you are learning to love your independence…at times. But then there are the times when you still want to be carried or read to or have things done for you. It’s sometimes hard for me to make you do things on your own (like cleaning up your dishes after meals), because I know far too soon you will be all grown up and won’t ask me to do things for you anymore.

I love you, Gus, more than you know right now. I love that you’re here. I love that you’re mine. I love that you bring tears (happy and sad) to me. I love that you bring smiles to my face and heart.

I love you, Gus.

Love,

Mama

Update #2 on Exercise Goal

I'm not very pleased with how my progress is going on my exercise goal, but I'm still going to hold myself accountable and keep working on it, even if it takes me longer to achieve.

Raising a Son

I read a post today about a mom who lost her first child...a daughter. Her first rainbow is a son. She mentioned that she was nervous upon finding out that her first rainbow was a boy; that she didn't know if she had what was needed to be the mom of a son.

When Jon's Away So Am I

I hate very much dislike when Jon is gone. Jon's job provides our family with a nice income, and he enjoys his work, but I don't like when he's gone so much. By the time March is over, he will have been gone for 5 weeks since the beginning of December.

Update on Exercise Goal

It's been about a week since I posted my exercise goal, so I thought it best to give an update.

What I did with Their Room (Still Standing)

Today I’m linking up with Still Standing, who asks “What do you do with their room?”

Diabetes, Weight and Exercise Update

Knowing that I wanted to try to get pregnant again, and knowing that my diabetes needs to be in great control prior to conception, I've been working with the diabetes educator at the high-risk clinic, who I worked with during Oscar's and Bella's pregnancy and Tittle's and Gus' pregnancy.

The rollercoaster continues, with a ball of nerves

Jon and I had a very full day on Saturday and were away from the house from 10am to 7pm.

Is Listening THAT hard?

For a 2.5-year-old, it apparently is.

Pre-conception Consults

On November 19, 2012, Jon and I met with one of the MFM's at the high-risk clinic where we've received all of our pregnancy care. We wanted to talk over what happened with both of our pregnancies and come up with a game plan for a future pregnancy. As is usual for us, we brought a list of questions to ask regarding what had happened and possible actions to take in a next pregnancy to try to increase our odds of a complication-free pregnancy and full-term birth.

Floating, Swimming, Sinking, Repeat

I've been a mess of emotions lately.

Jon has been doing really well with his weight loss program. He's been exercising regularly (aiming for 1 hour per day). He's been sticking to the shakes/bars. He's been tempted and resisted temptation. This should make me extremely happy, and it does, yet...

A Happy Kind of Loss

Ever since I've known Jon, he's been overweight. According to him, there have only been two times during his entire life that he was not fat (when he swam competitively in high school and when he dropped weight to join the military). After years of me trying to support him in weight loss efforts, after some health scares and after him realizing that it's important for him to be healthy so that he can stay here as long as he can to watch Gus grow up and be with me, Jon has begun a medically managed weight loss program.

Simple Angel Ornament Instructions

Supplies:
1. Butterfly clips, sometimes called ideal clips-we used size small from Staples
2. Ribbon or string-we used 1/8 inch wid non-wired ribbon and used about 12" for each ornament
3. Beads or pears for head and halo-we used 8mm pearls and Classy Silver Wheel Beads, both from Jo-Ann
4. Paperclip-to help thread the ribbon through the pearl bead

Tittle's Day

Tittle’s day was difficult. Jon dropped Gus off at day care that morning, so I had a few minutes before I headed to my appointment with my counselor, Julianne. I purposefully scheduled my appointment for Tittle’s day, because I knew I’d need it. Just before I left the house I became inspired and posted on facebook a challenge to others do something sneaky and to let me know what the sneaky act was. I made a promise to myself that I would check on the responses until the end of the day, in hopes that people would sneak around and would give me some positivity at the end of a hard day. At my appointment, Julianne and I talked about things, I cried and I left feeling like I always do; my brain needed to process what we had talked about so that I could continue being okay with my new self since Oscar, Bella and Tittle died, how that affects my parenting of Gus and our journey towards a second rainbow.

My heart is in a strange place

Tomorrow marks three years since we found out that Tittle died.

29 months

Dear Gus,

Today you are 29 months old. Sometimes I just can’t believe that you’re ours and that you’ve been with us for over two years already. As many times and Daddy and I tell you that you’re a big boy, you are still, and perhaps will always be, my little boy. I love in the morning when we’re trying to get us all ready to leave the house, but you have to stop routine because you want to cuddle with me. I love how this morning, after you took a piece of my cereal without asking, Daddy corrected you, and then you said, in the sweetest way, “Can you share with me, please?” I love how you are a sponge and soaking up all sorts of information (new concepts and words) and how adorable it is when it only makes partial sense when you repeat the information back to us. I love how yesterday, when I went to check on you in the morning, because I heard you crying, you told me to go away and when I came back in 10 minutes to start getting you ready for the day you were singing to yourself and happy. I love how much of a helper you are. As much as it breaks my heart that you know the words (strip, test stuff, pump, low blood sugar) I love that you want to help me “get one strip” and help put it in my meter.

I am so lucky to be your mom. I know I’m not the best mom all the time, but I try every day to be the best mom I can be for you. Happy 29 months, Gus. I love you much.

Love,

Mommy

A Hard Day

Isn’t it enough that I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at the age of two and have been living with it for 30 years?

Obstacles to TTC

A lot of things have been going on lately in life, and they feel like obstacles to all of my goals, hopes and wants. In November, we had a preconception appointment with the high-risk clinic. Jon and I knew we weren’t ready to start trying, but knew that we could take care of this appointment so that when we are ready we’d already have a plan in place (more on this topic in a future post).

Januarys

This January 1 was a lot easier than those in the past. I know some of it is because we have Gus at home, who makes us laugh every single day. I also think it has to do with Oscar’s and Bella’s due date losing significance. We have celebrated their birthday in July and due date in January every year. When Tittle got added to the mix, I think that’s when things began to change. Oscar and Bella have a birthday, a day that’s just their own, that we celebrate. Gus has a birthday, a day that’s just his own, that we celebrate. Tittle doesn’t have a birthday. Tittle doesn’t have a day that’s just his own. Three years ago today Jon and I were in the fertility clinic, getting a “head count” ultrasound and found out we were carrying twins. In two weeks, it will be three years since we found out that Tittle died. Tittle doesn’t have a birth date, since he was never born. It doesn’t feel right to honor him on his due date, because he would have been born with Gus and we celebrate Gus on his birthday. So, all we have is Tittle Time, January 11-January 25. I don’t want to say that his life was only January 11-January 25. Both Gus and Tittle were conceived on December 5; we weren’t aware we were carrying twins until January 11, so that wasn’t the beginning of Tittle’s life.

This year, like previous years, we’ve invited friends over to our house to make snow angels, and that will happen towards the end of the month. We indicated that it was in honor of Oscar’s and Bella’s due date AND Tittle. I think, maybe, next year it will just be snow angels in honor of Tittle Time. Jon and I say that Tittle is sneaky, and maybe he doesn’t want to be the center of attention, but it just feels wrong that Tittle doesn’t get his own celebration. We include him any chance we can, but he doesn’t have anything of his very own. I think that’s one reason why I want him to have his own special celebration; we don’t have anything that’s just his. We have no u/s pictures of him. We have no heartbeat sounds of him. He has no birth date. He has a death date, but our pregnancy continued. We have no idea what he looked like, so it’s just very strange situation.

I just hope he knows how much I love him, even though it’s taking me a long time to figure out how he wants to be honored.

Stockings and a Bittersweet/Wonderful Moment

In our house we celebrate St. Nick. I grew up with this tradition of hanging up a stocking by the fireplace before going to bed on December 5, and then waking up on December 6 to find my stocking stuffed with goodies. My sisters always got fun stuff like candy canes, popcorn balls and chocolates. My mom did her best in finding me things that I would enjoy that weren't candy related--holiday pencils with fun erasers, animal crackers and holiday lip balm are just a few of the things I remember receiving over the years.

I need more time

There are so many things that I want to write about and I've not made the time to do it. Here is a list of posts that are forming in my head that I hope to post soon.

• Christmas Stockings
• Diabetes and Colds Suck
• Preconception Appointment/Preparing to try again
• Tittle's Month/Oscar's and Bella's Due Date/Snow Angels

I guess it's not completely fair to say that I need more time. What I really need to do is make time FOR ME. Having a cold turn into a sinus infection makes me tired, not sleep well, cranky and wanting to melt into the couch any chance I can get. Hopefully, not that I'm on antibiotics, I will begin to feel better soon and able to focus on my mental health more, instead of just my physical health.